


i loved and i loved and i cried

by iamalmita



Series: but you broke me first [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Pain, Sad Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Toxic relationships?, Unrequited Love, angst and pain, hyuck loves mark, its just pain, its just sad hours cry with me, no fluff im sorry, not beta read cuz we die like real men, symbolism???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-16 18:54:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29087166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamalmita/pseuds/iamalmita
Summary: Donghyuck loved Mark and Mark never loved him back.He only lied that he did. But he never did.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Series: but you broke me first [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2134074
Comments: 2
Kudos: 35





	i loved and i loved and i cried

**Author's Note:**

> https://open.spotify.com/track/45bE4HXI0AwGZXfZtMp8JR
> 
> i highly VERY HIGHLY recommend to listen to this song when you read!  
> also if the link doesnt work, the song is 'you broke me first' by tate

> _I loved you so much_
> 
> _I let you make me cry every night_
> 
> _You broke me first._

It was 1 AM and Donghyuck was awake on his bed. His phone lay beside his head, a beep lighting up the screen. A lone lamp lit up his room and he lay with his arm over his eyes. He didn’t need to check his phone to know who was texting him.

It was only been a few minutes since he called.

_“Hyuc- hiccup- Hyuckie,” a voice slurred on the other side of the call and Donghyuck sighed. He knew what he would be hearing but his phone had been ringing too many times._

_It’s not like he could ignore it forever._

_“What?” he asked._

_A sniffle, “Hyuck.”_

_Donghyuck felt his chest tighten._

_“What do you want, Mark?” he kept his tone as neutral as possible. He shouldn’t care._

_“Hyuck –hiccup-... I can’t stop thinking –hiccup- about you...”_

_The quiet room couldnt conceal the sound of his heart breaking._

_“You’re drunk. It’s late, why are you calling?”_

_Mark was silent for a while. “I –hiccup- I told you... I can’t –hiccup- stop thinking about you.”_

_Donghyuck closed his eyes and breathed out, “Go home, Mark. Call your girlfriend or something.”_

_“She’s not you –hiccup-”_

_“Good night, Mark.”_

_“Hyuck.”_

_“Bye, Mark.”_

_“Hyuck.”_

_Donghyuck hung up._

The clock ticked away, seconds turned into minutes, and minutes will turn into hours soon.

He could never let go of Mark. Not completely. Why? Because he’s Mark. He’s the Mark Lee he fell in love with in high school, he’s the Mark Lee who was once his best friend before he became his boyfriend, he’s the Mark Lee who broke up after a year and ninety four I love you’s.

He’s the Mark Lee who never loved him back.

Mark always hurt him. But it was all pleasurable. Because Mark was the one hurting him, because if Mark broke his heart, it was okay. Because he was Mark and Donghyuck loved him too much.

And Mark never loved him back but he would always come back to Donghyuck, whether it was late at night or during the noon after classes. And Donghyuck, so weak for the sparkly eyed boy, he would always agree to whatever he says. Donghyuck was there when Mark cried, Donghyuck was the one who helped Mark stand up when he fell, Donghyuck was the constant in Mark’s life. Where there was Mark, there was Donghyuck, through the highs and lows.

But Donghyuck?

Donghyuck was never a part of Mark’s life. He wasn’t even a chapter in Mark’s book. He was barely a word, dismissed and gone.

Through all his heartbreaks, for his tears, Donghyuck was there to comfort him. Through all his new relationships, for every smile he found beautiful, Donghyuck was there to cheer him on.

_He broke a little each time._

He should have stopped then. He should have tried to protect his sanity because Mark was powerful and he could swallow him whole if he wanted to.

But, of course, in the end, he ended up broken.

Because he was too kind, too soft for his boy that was never _his_.

Mark dated Donghyuck for a year and left him. When Donghyuck asked him why, Mark told him he never loved him.

So, Donghyuck was left alone as Mark left, his broad back facing him as he thought about all the kisses they shared, all the lovely words he was told, all the late nights spent together because if Mark never loved him, then it all must be a lie.

He had been living a lie for a year and he was a fool to believe it.

But, he remembered, when Mark looked at him with his pretty brown orbs and told him he loved him, Donghyuck was sure he saw love in those eyes. And Mark’s kisses were always so addictive, how could he move on from them?

Mark lied and Donghyuck was left to wonder and cry about the lies he believed.

Despite it all, every night or so, Mark would call, drunk and high and tell Donghyuck nonsense. Nonsense like “ _I miss you”_ and _“You’re stuck on my mind.”_

_Mark, it hurts. Please stop._

When will Mark care that he was hurting? Never. Mark wouldn’t care, why would he, he never loved Donghyuck. So, Donghyuck could only cry into his pillow with his hand on his heart as it shattered. Mark didn’t know how each word of his drunken nonsense was stabbing him with knives too big and blunt. Was it honesty or pity? Was Mark using him because he knew Donghyuck would do anything for him? Mark didn’t know that after each call, Donghyuck would cry for hours, breathless and hurting.

Donghyuck felt his sleeves getting wet as let the first wave of pain wash over him. He bit his lip as he tried to stop his sobs. His throat was closing up on its own and his heart, it hurt.

He had to listen to Mark talk about some pretty girl and how her eyes seemed to hold stars.

Donghyuck told him that too. Mark’s eyes held the biggest galaxies and Mark had smiled.

Here he was, his mind once again not complying with his heart.

Memories come rushing to him and here he was, crying alone yet again at quarter past 2 AM. His heart begged him to call him up, read his texts, go out and pick him up wherever he was. It screamed for Mark, anything Mark, his eyes, his lips, his cheeks, his hands, his hair, just Mark, Mark.

His mind told him otherwise, it was rational and it told him to stop, to forget him, to move on because Mark Lee did nothing but break him, Mark made him cry every night till morning, Mark made him forget how to eat and his friends had found him emotionless in the corner of his room, Mark made him feel worthless because every girl compared to him was better to him.

Mercy on his poor heart, it only knew the notes to beat to Mark’s songs and laugh.

Donghyuck loved Mark so much, so so _so so so much._

He loved Mark so much he was willing to let Mark break him into pieces and burn each of them.

Cause, if Mark was a burning pool of fire and Donghyuck didn’t know how to swim, he would jump in without a doubt. Mark can drown him in his flames and maybe then, he will know how much he loved him.

“I hate you, Mark...” Donghyuck sobbed into his pillow as he held onto it for dear life. “I hate you so much...” He whispered through his tears, voice breaking with each syllable, “I love you so much.”

_Mark_

_01:03 AM_

_Hhyuckie_

_I miis yuo._

_Csn you call;?_

_02:38 AM_

_Hyucck_

_Take,,, me hom e_

_Qwith you._

**Author's Note:**

> I CANT BELIEVE I WROTE THAT ANGSTY SHIT I WILL CRY
> 
> the last part is Mark lee drunk texting btw.
> 
> did you enjoy ;-; or did you cry hsjsj lmk !  
> comments and kudos are always appreciated so if you liked it, leave a heart plsss
> 
> also i will be a part two of this MORE PAIN MUAHAHA
> 
> thanks for reading and i hope you have a good day/night <3


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